1 month countdown

In one month I will begin my renewal leave. I'm so thankful for the Lilly Endowment and that White Rock UMC was one of 233 congregations selected nationwide and the only United Methodist Church in Texas that was chosen for its National Clergy Renewal Program. 

I can't quite wrap my head around the idea that I won't be living and breathing church for four months beginning May 1. The theme for the grant proposal was Joy as the Heartbeat of Renewal. I'll return to Japan with my family where I first felt my call to ministry. White Rock UMC will have an evening with an improv group, a snow cone truck visit after church, and a magician's show with a catered dinner. 

I'm looking forward to rediscovering renewal through rest, relationships, and sacred places. 

Now the countdown begins. One month to finish the "binder of all the things" for Margo. Margo is the gift from God who will handle all day-to-day pastoral duties. One month to make all the pastoral visits and try to cross some things off the to-do list. Before I know it the month will have passed. 

Deep breaths...

Journaling

 I recently began writing in a 5-year journal.  There are just a few lines for each day and there are five lined sections with the same date across five years. I was drawn to journaling again because I don't have to write much and I liked the idea that I could look back and see what I was worrying about in previous years.  I have been consistent in writing each day which is unique for me. I hope its layout will help me build a sustainable daily journal practice. It takes 21 days to make something a habit, so hopefully I am creating habits that I will continue. Some days I write about good things that have happened, some days I write about what I am worrying about, some days I write about what I am grateful for. 

Today I wrote about holding a baby. What a gift.

Lent in 2026

I have never been good at giving things up for Lent.  I remember one year the Disciple Bible Study I was leading decided for Lent to fast and not eat Monday dinner which we would normally eat right before the Study.  I was always so hungry and I would come home and immediately eat food.  I don't remember thinking about Jesus when I was not eating dinner.  For the last few years when I was asked what I was going to give up for Lent I would say I was just trying to survive Lent.  This year I saw another pastor post on Instagram that they would see everyone in six weeks.  I had tried to give up social media before but I didn't really do anything to restrict my access. 

On Ash Wednesday this year I decided to delete Facebook, Instagram, and Messenger from my phone.  Then, I went to my computer and blocked Facebook and Instagram. There were at least ten times the rest of Ash Wednesday that I typed Facebook into my internet browser on my computer and looked to my phone thinking I would scroll Instagram.  I feel like I'm going to definitely think more about Jesus this Lent!  

In the past I have blogged once a week during Lent to get back to writing.  I've decided to rebrand this blog and catalog my adventures that I previously might have recorded on Facebook or Instagram. 

The biking trail quest in the Dallas area

Our son's first year of Boy Scouts they do a 50 mile bike ride. We started training with him and fell in love with biking. Now, it is usually a "mom and dad are going biking" event, but the biking trail quest is ongoing. 

Here are my requirements for a good biking trail:

1. paved

2. able to do 12-20 miles 

3. not too many hazards like cars, streets to cross, people, crazy fast cyclists

4. shaded is a bonus

Top Dallas trails:

1. AT&T Trail, Trinity Forest Trail - 8 miles one way

Park at 5850 Elam Rd. 8 mile trail through share, the Trinity River Audubon & Little Lemmon Lake. Get to the end of the trail, turn around, and ride back for 16 miles.

2. White Rock Creek Trail - as long as you want!

This trail goes all the way down to White Rock Lake.  I love the northern section of this trail. From our house we get on near Orbiter Park. I love riding behind the Greek Orthodox Church and going over the wooden bridges. At the end, the trail makes a circle and then you head south, all the way to White Rock Lake if you feel so inclined!

3. SoPAC Trail - 5.5 miles one way

This is my favorite trail from White Rock Lake north back to my house. You have to go on the grass after the Royal Oaks Country Club to get back on the White Rock Creek Trail, but the trail is so wide, shaded, and wonderful, it is worth it.

4. Santa Fe Trail - 4.7 miles one way

Park at the White Rock Lake spillway parking lot, go around the lake (9.2 miles), and then go on the Santa Fe Trail into Deep Ellum.

5. Preston Ridge Trail - 6.3 miles one way

Park on Spring Valley at the Coit intersection. You can go all the way to the George Bush. I don't like the street crossings, and there isn't any shade but this is an enjoyable trail.

6. Northaven Trail - 7.8 miles one way

Park at 10803 Freda Stern Dr.  I don't like the street crossings, and there isn't any shade but this is an enjoyable trail. It is fun to go behind Northaven UMC.

7. University Crossing Trail - as long as you want

Park at Ridgewood Park Recreation Center and head west. The bridge over Mockingbird is really fun. If you can go on a  workday when the Katy Trail might not be jam-packed with people, you can ride into downtown.

Staying still

It has been windy lately, and when it is windy I am reminded of my year teaching English in Japan.  I would ride my bicycle to the different junior high schools where I taught English, and in March and April it was so windy that I would be riding my bicycle and I would not be going anywhere because the winds were so strong.  I would be pedaling and pedaling, but not moving forward.  I am reminded of that experience often, especially during the time of Lent.  

We may have taken on a spiritual discipline in Lent or given something up in Lent. We wanted to do something to remember Jesus and to grow closer to God. For some folks, they feel like they have been doing their spiritual discipline or denying themselves something they enjoy, and they haven’t felt any difference in their spiritual life.  Or other people have eaten the chocolate that they were going to give up during Lent or they have stopped their spiritual discipline as life got busy and they have not been reading their Bible every day.  How often do we feel like we are pedaling and pedaling, but we are not moving forward?  When I get to that place of frustration, I remind myself to be still and to know that God is God (Psalm 46:10).  I am forgiven, and I can try again.  I am loved by God, and I can use the frustration that I feel to breathe in God’s grace and to know that God loves me.  

Staying still is not a bad thing.  Staying still can actually be a good thing.  When I stay still, I can feel God's Holy Spirit moving all around me. When I stay still, I stop and I listen.  When I stay still, I focus on being instead of doing. When I stay still, I breathe in God's peace and strength and love.  

#ThisLittleLightOfMine

The journey

Last Wednesday I was not able to blog my weekly Lenten post because I was in Seattle with my family for Spring Break.  The wonderful thing about traveling together with your family is that you are stuck together.  If someone is grumpy, you have to figure out what to do.  How do you give them space?  How do you help? 

When I think about the best part about our time away, it wasn't the sights that we saw, the food that we ate, or the cousins we connected with (though that was a highlight).  The best part about our time away was the 24 hours a day that we were together.  There were no work or school obligations, no sports team practices, and no places to be.  We were able to spend time with each other, laughing, telling stories, being ourselves, and loving each other.  

One day we went whale watching.  We did have to set alarm clocks that day because we had to drive about an hour north to get to the boat.  The boat was going fast to try to find the gray whales.  The day before they had seen two gray whales, and the boat captain was talking to other whale watching boats trying to spot some whales but they could not find them.  I was disappointed.  This was supposed to be memorable and we had not seen anything. But the kids loved it.  They talked for days afterward about how fun the boat ride had been.  I had seen the trip as a flop because the goal had not been reached - we didn't see any whales!  But, the kids had focused on the process, they had focused on the journey and they had enjoyed it.  

So often in my life I have focused only on the end goal, and I have not enjoyed the journey.  As I let my light shine and follow my heart, my calling, and try to be or become who I am meant to be, I have to focus on the journey instead of only focusing on the end goal. My kids helped me to remember that to show love, forgiveness, kindness, and to be more like Jesus, I have to focus on the journey.  So often the disciples were frustrated with Jesus because he was talking to too many people, and he wasn't doing what they wanted him to do.  He was enjoying the journey. If they got to their destination, great, but Jesus was going to enjoy each step of the way.  

Traveling with my 12 and 9 year old children this week helped me remember also that time is precious and that before I know it, they will be all grown up.  I want to enjoy the boat ride.   

#ThisLittleLightOfMine

Learn from others

This weekend was busy -  Confirmation/Youth overnight retreat, church, lacrosse game, and my mom and stepdad in town. By the time Sunday night came, I was tired. But, I got in the car and drove up to the church because Sunday nights at 5 p.m. during Lent we are having At the Table and In Conversation at Greenland Hills UMC.  I didn't want to miss our first night as we talked about our belief in God.  Yes, there were other places I could have been. Yes, there were other places that I wanted to be (the couch). But, I felt called to be at the church, sharing and learning with folks.  I am so glad that I went. We drew our image for God, and I was so blessed by what other folks drew. A tree, a sun, birds flying, and I drew a lap.  When I imagine God I see a lap that I can crawl into where I feel safe and warm, loved and protected.  I was so blessed by hearing how others view God. When other people share why they believe, it helps me to remember why I believe.

A few years ago I felt overwhelmed but I knew that once a particular project was completed, life would get back to normal.  But, after that project there was another project.  And throw in kid sport seasons, and it feels like there is no time to simply sit and be.  Sunday night gathered around tables with people from the church that I love, that challenge me, that make me better, I tried to simply sit and be and listen and learn from others.

During Lent I am blogging on Wednesdays and writing about following my heart, my calling, being or becoming who I am meant to be, who God created me to be, who I was put on this earth to be (thanks to Tesa Golden from Greenland Hills UMC for her original Facebook post about this).   So, as I think this Lent about honoring the sacrifices of Jesus, I want to show love, forgiveness, kindness, and be more like Jesus.  As Tesa said, "I want to SEE others and have them SEE me by letting my light shine."

In order for me to see others and have them see me, I have to show up.  I have to listen and learn from other people.  I saw a TED talk this week that has continued to rattle around in my brain.  It is Megan Phelps Roper sharing about growing up in the Westboro Baptist Church.  She talks about how we have to talk and listen to people we disagree with.  Here are her takeaways: 1. Don't assume bad intent.  2. Ask questions. 3. Stay calm. 4. Make the argument.

Shining my light today means that I am blessed to learn from others.  #ThisLittleLightOfMine

http://www.ted.com/talks/megan_phelps_roper_i_grew_up_in_the_westboro_baptist_church_here_s_why_i_left?utm_source=newsletter_daily&utm_campaign=daily&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button__2017-03-06

Blogging during Lent, year 2...

I am hopeless at giving things up for Lent.  I remember one year it was day three of Lent and the cookie was in my mouth when my lovely daughter said, "I thought you were giving up sweets for Lent?"  So, last year I resurrected this old blog and blogged every Wednesday during Lent. I love to write.  Writing for me is therapeutic, it is meditative, it is prayerful, and I enjoy it!  So, blogging during Lent, year 2 begins...

Tesa Golden is a part of the Greenland Hills UM Church family and she and I have been praying about a movement during Lent.  It is a movement to do an act of kindness for another person every single day during Lent.  We wanted to document those kindness acts on social media with a hashtag.  We have been praying about it and the Holy Spirit kept nudging us both toward a particular hashtag.  This past weekend, we were praying about it and Sunday morning at 9 am worship our amazing pianist Robert and Minister of Worship Arts Kristi Hassell played a duet of This Little Light of Mine.  Tesa looked over at me and asked if I requested them to play that song.  No!  It was the Holy Spirit!  So, Holy Spirit, you win.  Our act of kindness during Lent hashtag is 

#ThisLittleLightOfMine

Tesa wrote on Facebook this morning, "I absolutely believe that we will change the world by following our heart, our calling, our inner wisdom, being or becoming who we are meant to be, who GOD created us to be, who we were put on this earth to be. 

In the past year I have gone from the exhausting task of trying to be who I thought the person standing in front of me wanted me to be to learning who I really am and showing up as that person to all who will see me. It's glorious and much easier! Not only has it changed me, but I believe that it has changed my family, my friends, and my community like a piece of the puzzle fitting in the right place makes the whole picture a little more complete.

Instead of giving something up for Lent this year to honor the sacrifices of Jesus, I want to try to show love, forgiveness, kindness to others and BE more like Jesus...I want to SEE others and have them SEE me by letting my light shine. 

So, regardless of your religious beliefs, will you shine your light with me at some point in the next 40 days? And will you share those experiences of how your callings are changing the world?"

Tesa, here is my story of sharing kindness for today.

This morning the dog woke me up at 4:45 am because she needed to go outside.  My alarm woke me up an hour later at 5:45 am. I was at the church by 6:40 am because we have a 7:00 am Service of Ashes for Ash Wednesday.  At 6:50 am everything was ready and I was questioning my sanity.  Who gets up this early to get ashes?  Why did I plan worship at 7 am?  I am not doing this next year!  I am tired!  I want to go home!

And then people began to come.  We had 10 bulletins and we 10 ten people.  Okay, God, okay, I get it. Sometimes I imagine God telling me to stop worrying about everything and to just show up.  Be present.  God will work it all out.  

The lesson for me today is about showing love, forgiveness and kindness to MYSELF by showing up.  Trusting in God that if I am present, if I give all of myself to whatever it is that I am doing, then God will use it for good.  

At 9 am I was standing by the doors as our Preschool families came for the day.  We were giving ashes to go and I realized that I should probably say something age appropriate to preschoolers that wanted ashes.  "Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return" is a bit abstract for preschoolers.  So, I said to the preschoolers, "This cross reminds us that God loves us." 

This first day of Lent, may God remind me that God loves me and may God remind you that God loves you.  #ThisLittleLightOfMine

Ten years ago today... 6-6-06

On this day 10 years ago, Bishop Moncure placed his hands on my head and other hands joined his.  The hand of my District Superintendent, the hand of the Chair of the Board of Ordained Ministry, the hand of Rev. Kathleen Baskin my mentor pastor, the hand of the Order of Elders, so many hands.  My husband Lee put his hand on my back as our almost two year old daughter sat in the congregation.  My family had gathered, friends were there, and church families from Oak Lawn UMC and Krum UMC. As I knelt down and the Bishop ordained me, those who loved me stood in support and love of me.  And the Bishop said these words:

"Kerry Sumpter Smith, take thou authority as an elder in the Church to preach the Word of God, and to administer the Holy Sacraments."

I remember that the weight of those hands was so heavy.  And then the hands lifted and the weight was gone and I stood and turned around to be greeted with a Communion cup from my Intern Pastor, Dr. Justin Tull, from Oak Lawn UMC.  He was retiring and I was just beginning.

It has taken me a long time to comprehend the enormity of that moment.

Being a pastor has been such a joy and such a responsibility.  As a pastor I am granted the opportunity to be with people at the liminal moments of their lives.  When they receive the cancer diagnosis, when they share the news for the first time that they are transgender, when they have had a child, when they have lost a child, when they are being welcomed into God's loving arms as they join the company of the saints.  To be able to baptize someone and welcome them into the Christian Church and to say this prayer over them, "May the Holy Spirit work within you that having being born through water and the Spirit you may be a faithful disciple of Jesus the Christ."

A few weeks ago I confirmed my daughter.  My daughter who was almost two when I was ordained.  My daughter who has grown up in the Christian Church.  And to say that prayer to her made me think about what it means to be a faithful disciple of Jesus the Christ.  "May the Holy Spirit work within you that having being born through water and the Spirit you may be a faithful disciple of Jesus the Christ."

What does it mean for me to be a faithful disciple of Jesus Christ? What does it mean for me to take thou authority as an elder in the Church to preach the Word of God, and to administer the Holy Sacraments?

For me it means that I am called to love and learn from everyone.  Everyone.  EVERYONE.

For me it means that I want to be on the journey with everyone together.  I don't have all of the answers, but I know that I can walk alongside people as we seek God's presence together.

God called me into ordained ministry because I wanted to make a difference in the world.  God called me into ordained ministry because I love Jesus and I want to share that love so that everyone knows that Jesus loves them too.

We are all called to make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, for the transformation of the world (Matthew 28:19).

Maybe on this day that I remember and celebrate the 10th year of my ordination, maybe I am embracing the idea that I am only me.  I can only be me.  And maybe the weight that I felt that day wasn't a bad weight, maybe it was a good weight.  Maybe each hand that was on my head, maybe each person that stood was showing me that I am never alone.  Thanks be to God.  Amen.

Lee and I walking down the aisle together at the ordination service.

Bishop Moncure washing my feet.  What a powerful experience.  He died unexpectedly just a few months later.

My longtime friend Erica Hall! who came to show her support and love as I was ordained.

Reminiscing

Ten years ago today I was ordained. At the time those who were being ordained had the opportunity to address the General Conference.  This is what said on 6-6-06 and yes... at the end I had nearly 700 people singing!

Bishop, Members of the North Texas Annual Conference,

It is only by the grace of God that I am standing here.  My calling to the ordained ministry began before I was even born.  My mother attended a Methodist Church in her little town of Pennsylvania and when she was a youth, they received an ordained female pastor.  This was not long after female clergy were granted the same rights afforded to male clergy fifty years ago on May 4, 1956.  Growing up I found in church a haven of love and acceptance.  As I got older, I participated in everything that I could at Chapelwood UMC in Houston.  I was President of the Youth Group, President of the Youth Choir, and even preached on Senior Sunday when I graduated from high school!  When I went to college I thought that I would take a religion class because it would be easy, so I took Biblical Studies and I made a B!  Maybe there was more to this Bible stuff!  I took a class called Religion in America and visited a different place of worship every week.  One week I took my boyfriend who is now my husband, Lee, to a small Presbyterian church that was filled with white headed people.  Out bounced a young, blonde woman, and I turned to Lee and said, “I could do that,” and he said, “Yes, you could.”  I went to Japan to teach English for a year after college and while I was there my call to ministry continued to grow.  I told my non-church going friends there that I was feeling led to be a pastor and they didn’t think I was weird, they started calling me Reverend.  I started at Perkins at SMU when I came back home. 

It is only by the grace of God that I am standing here.  It is because of the love of the church family at Christ UMC in Plano where I served as a youth minister for a youth.  It is because of the love of the church family at Oak Lawn UMC in Dallas where I served as an intern and then as an Associate Pastor.  It is because of the love of my husband who went with me to England for a year while I pastored three small Methodist churches and discovered the joy of being a pastor in charge.  It is because of the love and the patience of the Krum United Methodist Church who has seen me grow in the past 4 years. 

A few years ago Reid Fade stood up here and talked about the ordination process as being like a tilt-a-whirl and over the last 9 years the ordination journey for me has had highs and lows and many times when I have felt out of control, just like on an amusement park ride.  I give God thanks for sustaining me over those 9 whirling years, through the Walk to Emmaus movement, through the churches I have served that have loved me, and through my family that have encouraged me and supported me. 

I am glad that God has been with me every step of this journey to ordination and Bishop, I can not wait for you to pray that the Holy Spirit will pour upon me for the office and work of an elder in the United Methodist Church.  I cannot wait for you for hands to be laid on my head, as Bishop Moncure says, “Kerry Sumpter Smith, take authority as an elder in the Church to preach the Word of God, and to administer the Holy Sacraments.” 

It is only by the grace of God that I am standing here.  Jeremiah 29:11 shares, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.”  Praise God for that promise.  Praise God for the United Methodist Church and for the 50^th Anniversary of the Ordination of Women.  Praise God that in 1980 Marjorie Matthews was elected as the first female Bishop in the United Methodist Church.  She was the first woman elected Bishop in all of Christendom!  I know that I am using my gifts to fulfill the call of God completely.  I give God thanks that I am a part of a church that allows, invites me, even encourages me to live out my calling and use the gifts that God has given me for the good of the Kingdom of God! 

Will you join me in singing, “Spirit of the living God, fall afresh on me.  Spirit of the living God, fall afresh on me.  Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me.  Spirit of the living God, fall afresh on me.”  Amen! 

Me speaking before the Annual Conference at Plano Convention Center ten years ago today!

Community

This Lent I have been reading "Gifts of the Dark Wood" by Eric Elnes and he has talked about those times when we are disillusioned, afraid, or lost, and explored how God’s presence remains with us, providing opportunities for new growth and transformation. We enter the Dark Wood because we struggle. All of us struggle.  And in the Dark Wood it is possible to be moved and transformed. Elnes talks about Gifts of the Dark Wood: uncertainty, emptiness, being thunderstruck, getting lost and temptation. He talks about how uncertainty can help us let go of our fear of the unknown.  Emptiness can leave room for new possibilities.  Thunderstruck moments can offer insight.  Getting lost invites us to heighten our awareness.  Temptation can help us know our true path. 

The final gift of the Dark Wood are other travelers on the journey who enrich our experience of life and love.  It is those who have gone before or who are going with us. In the Dark Wood Elnes says, “walking alone is about as advisable as walking alone in a physical dark wood. It’s easy to get lost without the aid of companions… While we all walk our paths as individuals, the lone seeker is more likely to get lost or to give up than the one who travels in company” (150).  People who travel with us in the Dark Wood are as intentional as we are about embracing the gifts of the Dark Wood and finding their place in this world (157).  They are comfortable with the sadness of the Dark Wood and they share their own experiences and help us not be afraid. 

It takes a village.  It takes a village to raise children.  It takes a village to remember that you are not alone.  It takes a village to remind you that you can take one more step.  It takes a village to show you that there is always someone who has been where you are, and has made it through.   

A wise friend shared with me this past fall that if there was an event her child was going to, she always tried to find another parent to share the carpooling duties.  She said that it helped her to share the joys of parenting with other people.  It is very easy to try and do this thing called life alone.  Community takes work. But it is so worth it.  

And when someone asks to help us and we don't accept it, we are only hurting ourselves.  Community is good.

Getting Lost...

"Feeling lost within outward success..." (83).  Eric Elnes says those words in "Gifts of the Dark Wood."  Have you ever felt like everything is going great, and yet you feel lost?  Or everything is not going great and you feel lost.

Elnes says the regular experience of getting lost is one of the most important gifts we can receive.  He says the feeling of being lost prompts us to pay more careful attention to the signals that the Holy Spirit sends us.  We pray and meditate longer when we feel lost and with greater attention.  We pay more attention to our gut intuitions and bodily responses when we feel lost.  We seek out friends, family and mentors when we feel lost (84-85).

So often it our lives we try to go it alone.  We try to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, but we can't do it.

Be still.
Listen.
Pay attention.

God is with us and God can help us find our way out of the dark, one step at a time.  Elnes shares the words of writer E. L. Doctorow who said, "Writing a novel is like driving a car at night.  You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."

Thanks be to God.

the good we are called to do...

In his book, "Gifts of the Dark Wood" Eric Elnes says, "You can (and will) do a lot of good by walking the path that brings you most fully alive in this world, but in order to stay on this path, you must learn to say no to doing a great many ‘good’ things” (117).   

This past Wednesday I was supposed to blog for my Lenten promise to blog weekly.  But I did not.  It was a "good" thing that I said no to.

When I served as a pastor in the British Methodist Church from 2001-2002, a District Chairman (the equivalent of our United Methodist Bishop) told me a story.  He said that he had four children and he knew two of them because of the choices he had made.  He had chosen the church and his work over his children and as a result he did not have a strong relationship with them.  His words haunted me and as our family grew I knew that I did not want to make the same choice.  

I remember walking into my District Superintendent's office (like my boss) and sharing that I wanted to work part-time instead of full-time.  And my D.S. did not seem to understand why I would want to do such a thing.  I wanted to be more present with my children, and thankfully a part-time position for me was found. I treasure those 7 years when I was able to work as a pastor part-time.  

This past week I spent spring break with my family.  We were together 24-7 and we laughed together so much.  There was no morning scramble to be on time to school, no homework, no dashing to activities in the evening.  It was pure sabbath.  

It is important to take sabbath each day, each week, each month, and each year.  It is important to rest, to step away, and to be filled up again.  When we rest we allow God to restore, replenish, and refocus our heart and mind.  As we began our spring break we were all sick.  Runny noses, coughing, sneezing, we had it all.  It is amazing how our body lets us know when we need a rest.

Taking time away for renewal is hard because there is so much good that needs to be done.  But saying no to good things enables us to focus on the specific good that we are called to do.  Living into our fullest energies...  How can we say yes to the path that brings us most fully alive in the world?  

the lightbulb came on?

Yesterday I was at the bank depositing the last of the Girl Scout cookie money into the Troop bank account.  I had forgotten the deposit slip, but I had the account number saved in my phone.  But the teller said that the account number was not correct.  I suggesting adding some zeros in front or maybe putting a number 1 at the end, but the teller said that the account still was not coming up.  So, she looked it up by its name, and I was not sure if it was Girl Scout Troop # or Troop # or if the account was in the Troop Leader's name.  The teller said she still could not find the bank account.  I told the teller I would go back home and get the deposit slip and then we would have the correct account number.

As I am driving away I see the bank that is across the street and I realize that I have been at the wrong bank.  I was at the wrong bank for like 15 minutes.  Seriously.  Without even a glimmer or a hint in my mind that I am at the wrong bank.  And I had been at the correct bank three times previously this month to make Girl Scout cookie deposits.

I could not believe it.  How could I have been at the incorrect bank without realizing it for so long?

In "Gifts of the Dark Wood" Eric Elnes talks about being aware of those moments when the divine speaks to us.  It is those moments in our lives when we feel like "the lightbulb came on", or we had an "aha" moment or a "moment of clarity".  Something clicks into place that impacts our life's direction in some way (p. 68).  The author says, "when the lightning flashes and thunder reverberates powerfully and repeatedly in the same location, it is a good sign that we are to move in the direction it indicates.  We feel drawn to move in this direction because it calls to our deepest self and feels most natural" (69).

When I was standing at the incorrect bank for 15 minutes I obviously was not listening to my deepest self or hearing the divine speak to me.  I was pretty confident that I was in the correct bank.  But I was not.

The teller asked me about the bank account number at least 3 times.  "Are you sure this is the right account number?" THREE TIMES!  And I wasn't paying attention.  And I wasn't listening.

How many times in our lives are we so sure of something?  But it isn't the right thing.  We aren't in the right place.  We aren't doing the right thing.

Elnes talks about taking a leap into the Great Unknown and he says that the Holy Spirit rarely invites us to take a leap without leading us to the edge of the cliff by way of a thousand smaller steps. He says, "by the time you reach the edge, therefore, you have responded to so many sweet-spot moments and experienced so much confirmation of your direction that the leap isn't so much a leap but one more small step" (72).

One more small step.  This week I am going to pay attention to the small steps.  And listen for confirmation of my direction.

From Fear to Flow

"Imagine what it would be like to be free -- not of your faults but your fear of them."  Eric Elnes says those words in his book, "Gifts of the Dark Wood"on page 45.

What are your faults?  It reminds me of when you have a job interview and you want to have a fault in case they ask, but you want it to be a good one, like I work too hard or I care too much.

I like to be in control.  In our family, I pay the bills, I manage the calendar, and I do those things because I like to.  I like to know what is going on and who needs to be where.  But sometimes I think that I am the only one that can do something.  It is something that I have been working on, but I am so thankful that my partner in life is willing to help with kid activities and making kid lunches.  I used to not ask for help though.  I used to think that I could do it all, that I should be able to do it all.  But now, I lean in and I ask for help because I need it.  And because my life is better when it is shared.

For me part of wanting to be in control is also thinking that I am right.  Well, because I am right.  Just kidding!  I think :)  I really have to be on my toes and not sleepy or grumpy to see someone else's side.  I am not up for a "discussion" after 10 pm, because I get mean.  I think that we are often the meanest and cruelest to those that we hold closest.  We feel like they will love us no matter what, so we like to test it just to make sure!

Jesus says, "Whoever tries to preserve their life will lost it, but whoever loses their life will preserve it" (Luke 17:33).  About Jesus' words Elnes says, "Operating underneath the surface of Jesus' statement is a movement from fear to flow.  Flow is what results when you stop obsessing over your need to survive or be perfect and discover that you have been given distinctive gifts and abilities that bring you alive in this world (and may keep you alive here) that are accessible only when you let go of your need for survival, rightness, and perfection.  Such gifts are largely invisible when your view is clouded by fear and self-loathing or blaming others" (46).

So, my wanting to be in control is a gift that I have as well.  I have a gift for organization and it has kept me alive!  So, instead of beating myself up about it, I can see it as a gift.

So many of us focus on our shortcomings.  We think that we don't measure up.  And it might even carry over to our faith.  Elnes says, "Most people -- even those who by all outward appearances are pillars of faith -- quietly suspect that if God saw who they 'really' are they would be deemed unworthy of God's love and attention" (48).  We may say with our mouths that God loves us, but Elnes says internally we may do whatever we can to avoid any possibility of a deep or intimate relationship with God that would expose our darker side (48).

God loves me for all of me.  The good and the darker side. The things that drive people crazy included!

Uncertainty

The book that our church is reading for Lent is called "Gifts of the Dark Wood" by Eric Elnes. The chapter for this past Sunday was called "The Gift of Uncertainty."  Elnes says, "To most people, uncertainty seems more like a curse than a gift.  When you cannot see the endpoint of your journey, or the path ahead is not clearly marked, you grow nervous.  If you do not have rock-solid assurances that everything will be OK and that the path ahead is perfectly safe, you tend to dig your heels in" (25).  

How can we be OK with the uncertainty?  How can we embrace the unpredictability of life?

I am a worrier.  I know, I know, Jesus says, "So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own.  Today's trouble is enough for today" (Matthew 6:25-34) and the Apostle Paul says, "Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).

I know these things in my head, but getting them into my heart are a different story.  I like to play out different scenarios and make pro/con lists.  I like to think of the worst thing that could happen, so that I will be relieved if it isn't quite that bad.

Elnes says that religion does a disservice when it seeks to remove uncertainty from life (25).  He says, "Faith built upon certainty is a house of cards that falls apart when the 'unshakeable foundation' shifts even slightly" (25).  

Struggle and uncertainty are a part of life.  Elnes wonders if our lives were a movie.  We want to watch a movie where the actors are uncertain about the future.  We want to watch a movie where the actors are not sure how to respond in every situation.  Elnes says, "Too much certainty removes the adventure from life and sucks the joy out of relationships" (27).

I think what helps the most is when I tell myself again and again and again that my constant worrying is not helping.  Elnes has a personal mantra, "Do not worry about anything until it presents itself to be worried about" (39).

So, there is no use worrying about the future until it presents itself to be worried about.  There is no use worrying about my car breaking until it presents itself to be worried about.  There is no use worrying about the teenage years for my children until they present themselves to be worried about.  There is no use worrying about the tax bill until I sit down and actually start working on my taxes.

This morning I was reading a magazine article about how to live longer.  I mean who doesn't want to live longer?  There are so many things that you have to do to live longer, but they summarized it down to one.  Move more.  When I am incapacitated with worry, I can move more.  I can put one foot in front of the other.  My favorite John Wesley quotation is one that he told to new preachers in March 1738.  He told them, "Preach faith till you have it; and then, because you have it, you will preach faith."

Preach peace till you have it; and then, because you have it, you will preach peace.
Preach strength till you have it; and then, because you have it, you will preach strength.
Preach love till you have it; and then, because you have it, you will preach love.

Beginning a journey

Today is Ash Wednesday when Lent begins.  I love Ash Wednesday.  I love talking about the reality of death. Death is happening, we can't run and we can't hide.

The book that we are using for our Lent series at Greenland Hills UMC is Gifts of the Dark Wood by Eric Elnes.  Marcia McFee has created a Lenten worship series and one of the stories that she tells for Ash Wednesday is about our own John Thornburg.  John was a pastor at Greenland Hills from 1984-1991.  Marcia shares about an Ash Wednesday service that John wrote about years ago, "I remember an Ash Wednesday service early in my ministry in which one of the durable saints of the congregation graced me with an epiphany.  When I came to her place at the altar rail, I imposed her forehead and said, 'Marjorie, remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.' She looked up at me with a tender and discerning glance from her 75 year old eyes, and said, 'THANK GOD.' I had never really thought of mortality as good news, but she did."

The Gifts of the Dark Wood series explores what it means to be in the Dark Wood moments of our lives.  Marcia McFee says, "We are not going to talk about just how to get out of it, as if life is good only when we are not there.  We are going to explore what it might mean for our lives to recognize the gifts of the Dark Wood.  What if times of uncertainty, failure or emptiness are opportunities for spiritual awakening?"

Life can be good during those dark nights of the soul (as Saint John of the Cross called them).  I remember a few years ago in September looking at my calendar and saying aloud, "If I can just make it to November then life will slow down."  Life has not slowed down.  It has just gotten busier.  And yes, the busyness is overwhelming and exhausting and never-ending, but there is good in it.  The image that has been coming to my mind lately of my life is of me treading water.  Treading water and feeling like sometimes my head goes under and I have to struggle to get to the air and breathe.  Taking a sabbath day has helped, but there is so much to do on Mondays.  Laundry, dishes, cleaning, and this past Monday ...  TAXES!  So, this Lent I hope to reimagine myself from treading water to laying back and floating on the water.  I know that the busyness of the kid activities are just for a season.  In seven years our oldest child will be in college.  So, how can I enjoy this time?  How can I breathe in this time?  How can I enjoy my spouse and grow in our own relationship?  How can I grow closer to God amidst the busyness?

Randi Zuckerberg recently tweeted, "The entrepreneur's dilemma: Maintaining friendships.  Building a great company.  Spending time w/ family.  Staying fit.  Getting sleep.  Pick 3."  Sleep, work, family, fitness, friends -- which three would I pick?  I definitely want to sleep, so that is number one.  Then, my family, love them!  And my work, love Greenland Hills UMC!  And I try to fit in fitness and friends as much as I can.  But where does faith fit in?  Am I supposed to just pray without ceasing all the time (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18), and so faith doesn't count because it is always there?

I am going to commit to journaling this Lent, once a week on Wednesdays, on this blog that I had to dust off.  And I hope to write about those times of uncertainty, failure or emptiness because they are opportunities for spiritual awakening.

I just went downstairs and said hello to some of our preschoolers.  One of the little children asked, "What is that on your face?"  I said, "it is the cross of Jesus."  And she said, "Jesus!" and ran to kindermusik.  Give me Jesus, give me Jesus.  You can have all this world, but give me Jesus... In the morning when I rise, and when I am alone, and when I come to die.  Give me Jesus.

What a day...

There were so many places to be today.  And so many places that I wanted to be, and could not.  The day began as it normally does with the dog wanting to go outside while it was still dark outside.  Then, after everyone was up, dressed, and fed, we went to watch my niece perform for the Destination Imagination Regional Tournament.  Then, off to take my youngest to his soccer game, and one of his friends took him home to their house afterwards because we had to go back to the Destination Imagination Tournament to watch my daughter's team perform.

As they performed their play it was amazing to see how much their team of 4 boys and 3 girls had improved since last year.  Then picked up lunch and we all ate lunch at home together.  Then, off to my daughter's basketball game.  It was a single elimination tournament and if she won this game at noon, then there was a game at 4 and the final tomorrow.  They played great, but lost.

Then, we split up again so I could take my son to his basketball game and my husband could take our daughter back for the instant challenge at the Destination Imagination Tournament.

Now, here is where it gets interesting.  As I was driving the 20 minutes to the next basketball game, I received a call that one of the parents had found a cell phone and they were inquiring if it was ours.  They described my husband's cell phone case!  They said they had given it to the referee, so we quick turned around and ran back to the gym.  The next game was underway so we had to wait for a time-out, so I could ask the referee.  These were not the same referees from 15 minutes before, and they had no idea what I was talking about.  They said we had to get in touch with the office Monday morning.

So, back in the car and the 20 minute drive to the next game.  When we were almost there, the person who found the cell phone called and said that they had actually given it to a parent from the teams that were playing the next game.  That parent was going to take it to the referees.  So, maybe the phone was back at the gym I had left 20 minutes before?

So, back to the gym.  Luckily, my mom is visiting for the weekend and was able to watch Everett during his basketball game.

I found the person who had the phone, drove back to watch Everett's game, then headed home.  I dropped everyone off and then headed to Greenland Hills UMC where I had the great privilege of praying for an Eagle Scout ceremony.

All of that busyness was wonderful and exciting, but there was somewhere else that I wanted to be.  At 2 pm just as I was driving back and forth trying to get my husband's cellphone, there was a wedding.  A wedding that I wanted to be at.  A wedding that more than a dozen of my fellow North Texas clergy attended.  When I read Rev. Mike Baughman's quote in this story, it made me smile.  Mike brought his two children aged 7 and 5 to the wedding.  Mike said, "I'm here as a pastor so that Bill (McElvaney) won't be alone.  I'm here as a father so that my kids will know this (same-sex marriage) is OK."

We have signed our kids up for all of these activities: soccer, basketball, Destination Imagination, because we want to teach them about the joy of sports, the joy of working together as a team, the joy of hard work.  But I also want them to learn about love, and they can learn from Jack and George how to celebrate 53 years together.

Being a parent is hard, exhausting work, but I know that I only have a brief time to teach them.  A year ago my at-the-time 8 year old asked if boys could marry boys and if girls could marry girls.  My response to her was, "Not in Texas."  This fall when my at-the-time 5 year old asked if boys could marry boys and girls could marry girls, my husband's response was, "In some places, yes."

It is not if, it is when.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love."  1 John 4:18